so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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