"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
