You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
