My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
