Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
