did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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