Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
