I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
