You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
