Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize