my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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