i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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