if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
