I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
