Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
