i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
