this beer tastes like vomit already
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
