I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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