im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize