wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
