I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just sent this text using only my big toe
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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