do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
