I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
