No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
