I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This baby is an asshole
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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