I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
