My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
