no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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