I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
