I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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