dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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