you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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