I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
