11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
