You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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