Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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