i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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