i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
