so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
