Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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