I'm really into asian looking animals
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
