What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
