I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
