Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
