Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Randomize
