Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
