we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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