I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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