There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize