just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
one might say we're banned from that church
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
