any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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