I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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