and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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