im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Dear god my vagina.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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