Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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