I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
