PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize