Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
