a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
