I forgot how hot balto sounded
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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