gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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