I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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