He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
