just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
